“2 POUNDS VINTAGE-CONTEMPORATRY OF MIXED MEN & LADIES WRIST WATCH BANDS.”

Contemporatry. My favourite type of watch band.

“General size from small to biggest”

Rather like dog poo.

“ALL OF THEM ARE BROKEN USED FOR PARTS ONLY”

Should you need broken parts.

“The lot that is pictured is a sample what is similar you will receive.”

i.e. two pounds of worthless tat.

Now, I’m as guilty as the next guy when it comes making bits of watches into jewellery and calling it ‘steampunk’, but this is the junk and detritus normally left over by such endeavours, not what you’d want to start with. I’m quite surprised they haven’t tried selling this as being ‘Steampunk“, but maybe that’s because they find it a tricky word to spell?

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“These Ipod Dock working.”

Which iPod dock? There’s more than one?

“when switch on everything working nothing”

Everything working nothing.
Clear. As. Mud.

“I can see anything wrong but i’m not expert.”

If you’re able to see anything that’s wrong you ought to go professional, that’s quite a talent.
But, going by this auction, I’d suspect you have a blind spot when it comes to literacy.

“I’m not 100% gurntee this item.”

I’m not surprised, is anyone?
How does one ‘gurntee’, anyway?
Does it involve pulling faces on a golf course, or is it more like this?

"Gurntea"

“no original box, only power adapter and doking station.”

Oh well, as long as the doking station’s included. Whatever that is.

“If you are unsure of the quality of the item from our description & photos please contact me”

It’s working, everything working nothing, you can see anything wrong, but you’re not 100% gurntee and only the power adapter and doking station are included.
Nope, that’s all pretty clear I think, don’t see why anyone would need to contact you there.

“Kept in animal and smoke free enviroment.”

Kept in a grammar and spelling-free enviroment, you mean.

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“I AM SELLING THIS PHONE AS FAWLTY”

Ooooh! A celebrity look-alike seller!
Who gets to be Manuel? The buyer, I assume?

“THE TRUTH IS I DONT KNOW IF IT IS AS THIS USED TO BE MY SONS PHONE.”

Nonono, it’s “I know nothing about the horse” and that was Manuel’s line anyway!
Tch. I’m going to sell you to a vivisectionist.

“SWITCH THE PHONE ON AND IT JUST SAYS INSERT SIM CARD.”

Oh well, I suppose that’s more testing than most people seem to do.

Jay also sent in a handy matching box you can put it in, thought I’m not sure the binmen would be particularly bothered, either way.

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“hi i am selling a nintendo ds lite which is broken. the top screen is seperated from bottom screen and it dosent work because of this but it would be great for spares”

Or for sharing, maybe?
Like a Twix, or tapas, maybe?

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“the iPhone 4 is thin as a rake but the front and back are 30 times stronger than the usual plastic. Reason – aluminosilicate glass, the stuff that windshields of military choppers are made of.”

The reality:

“1x iphone 4 16 gig in nice cosmetic condition. this item was dropped in the sink in water removed within seconds but damage was done”

So, if you ever find you need to quickly disable a military chopper*, quickly dunk it in a bowl of water.

“i cannot check iemi, the sim holder is missing.”

Are the sim holders soluble then? Seems an odd design feature.

And as for the iPad;

“1X IPAD 2,16 GIG WI.FI 3G please study pictures of this item, it was dropped face down and front is a mess. touch is smashed.screen is smashed,”

So. It’s all smashed then?

“back is not damaged in anyway”

Oh, that’s ok then. Obviously they make the backs of ipads out of military chopper windshields, but not the fronts.
Cheapskates.

“power button is intact,when powered on item is on for approx 10 seconds then powers of,then on again and process is repeated.”

If it could display “Just let me die”, it would.

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*not a euphemism

“Twin sunroofs are in perfect working order”

Have the ejector seats been deployed?

“It would be great for a new driver as it’s cheap to run and insurance is very cheap.”

At least until the insurance company find you’ve been driving like this, obviously.

“Only covered 70870 miles.”

But how much of that was covered on the ground and how much whilst airborne?

“The car is in very it’s great for its 17 years old.”

Okay…gave up halfway through and decided to go with ‘good for its age’, huh?

“Starts first time every time.
TAX – 6 months TAX.
MOT – 12 months MOT.
Interior of the car is like new.
The car has all its original sets of keys.
The car drives very well, has a 5 speed gearbox.
Rear seat belts fitted.
Nearly new tyres.
New battery fitted.
New belts.
New set of clutch
New clutch cable.
NEW SPARK PLUGS
NEW HIGH TENSION LEADS
NEW AIR FILTER
NEW OIL AND OIL FILTER.
All brake pads and shoes are changed, also all brake fluid system is nearly new.
No power steering.”

Now, was that before or after that picture was taken?

“These cars are getting very rare now in this condition and mileage.”

Is it any wonder?

“Viewing is very welcome before end of auction. “

Just look up.
You may need to duck a bit.

“No rust at the bottom of any of its doors.
Front and rear arches and sealls with NO rust and NO bubbles.”

Those brown marks on the front wing and passenger door must be something else then.

“I am only selling it because I have too many cars, including five Pandas.”

I think many people would say owning one panda is too many, I suspect five is the sign of an unhinged mind.

“Cash on collection.”

And no laughing.

“Make your best offer for this CAR.”

Yes. CAR.
Not PLANE.

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“ACTION FIGURE
CAN’T REMEMBER WHO HE IS”

Can anyone help this poor action figure remember who he is?
Captain Amnesia?
Blackout?
The Yellow Icicle?

“IF THIS ITEM IS PAID BY TUESDAY 20TH DECEMBER, I WILL TRY TO POST IT ON WEDNESDAY 21ST DECEMBER”

Try to post it.
Not the most comforting of assurances, that.
I can just picture Christmas morning now.
“I bought you a second-hand amnesiac action figure from ebay, but it hasn’t arrived yet. Happy Christmas.”
Although, maybe that could be better than actually receiving The Mighty Skirting-Board Man for Christmas?

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“I am selling my Samsung HD 26″ TV for Spares or Repairs.”

Trying to sell, you mean.
Oh wait, 4 bids already.
Give me strength.

“The TV is damaged and wont work.”

Did they not read that bit? Or at least see the picture?

“The screen had a collision with an xbox controller during a moment of madness and is now in need of repair, damage can be seen via the photos.”

I suppose it was only a matter of time once Microsoft released Kinect to try and steal some of the wii’s thunder.
And now 4 other people are obviously having a moment of madness themselves.

“Everything else with the TV is fine,”

Everything apart from the screen.
You know, the main thing you use a TV for?

“this was in brilliant working condition.”

Note, in particular, the past tense used there.

“I have had the TV for over 4 years.”

That’s nice. Wonder how long the xbox was in the house?

“I know the TV has 2 x HDMI, 2 x Scart, Digital input/output and built in freeview. See photo of back of TV. “

Well, yes, that's definitely the back. Not sure how that helps matters though.

“I am not to sure on any other specifications or the model.”

I wouldn’t worry about; I think “Buggered screen” pretty much covers it regarding the important specifications.

“I dont hold the instruction manual either.”

Like you didn’t hold the Xbox controller?

“If you wish to pay via cash or paypal then either is fine.”

How about magic beans? It is Panto season after all.

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{{Generic Riding-the-Zeitgeist-Shortarse picture goes here}}

“THIS NETBOOK LAPTOP IS A HEAP OF SHIT”

Interesting sales technique. Wonder if it will work?

“IT DO NOT WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The laptop or the sales technique?

“I BOUGHT THIS OFF EBAY”

As you’re now hoping someone else will. Not sure you’ve thought this through.

“OFF LIN CHAO2010″

Who, in November, you gave the following feedback for:

“great to do business with A++++++++Perfect Huge asset to ebay!”

But now say:

“ITS A CON
PAY PAL WILL NOT HELP OR REFUND
AS ITS NOT FROM UK SELLER
SELLER NO HELP WHAT SO EVER
IT SAYS UK SELLER ON LISTING !!!!!!
PAY PAL SAY NOT”

So, even if someone appears to be a UK seller, selling new goods, they can be abroad somewhere selling tat.
Maybe you should have only given them A++++++ instead of A++++++++?

“YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD”

Indeed.

So, did this technique work in selling on this broken piece of imported tat?

“Ended: 12 Dec, 2011 16:45:28 GMT
Starting bid: £30.00 [ 0 bids ] “

In the seller’s own words,

“IT DO NOT WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

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“100% of the final sale price will support Scottish Wildlife Trust”

But the Scottish wildlife will mostly be aided by getting this rubbish out of their habitat.

“The Scottish Wildlife Trust was established in 1964 with the purpose to advance the conservation of Scotland’s biodiversity for the benefit of present and future generations.”

Having said that, maybe having the chassis from old caravans laying around increases biodiversity?

“has been sitting outside for 4 years after dismantling”

See? After all that time there could be all sorts of sleekit, cowering, timorous beasties making their homes in it. And you’re looking to destroy that, hoping to make (currently) a quick £11.50.
You monsters.

“Condition – used – fair”

If that’s the case, I’d hate to see one listed as “Condition – used – poor”

“may be suitable for spares or conversion to a trailer.”

Or to scrap metal.
Oh wait, it pretty much looks like that’s been done already.

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