A Bit Broken

Hoopy proving again that they’re worth their weight in gold with another submission, sadly of something that’s not even worth its weight in dog dirt, let alone scrap metal.

“2 POUNDS VINTAGE-CONTEMPORATRY OF MIXED MEN & LADIES WRIST WATCH BANDS.”

Contemporatry. My favourite type of watch band.

“General size from small to biggest”

Rather like dog poo.

“ALL OF THEM ARE BROKEN USED FOR PARTS ONLY”

Should you need broken parts.

“The lot that is pictured is a sample what is similar you will receive.”

i.e. two pounds of worthless tat.

Now, I’m as guilty as the next guy when it comes making bits of watches into jewellery and calling it ‘steampunk’, but this is the junk and detritus normally left over by such endeavours, not what you’d want to start with. I’m quite surprised they haven’t tried selling this as being ‘Steampunk“, but maybe that’s because they find it a tricky word to spell?

View Auction

Sent in by “@NickH1982” – Thanks, Nick(H1982)!

“These Ipod Dock working.”

Which iPod dock? There’s more than one?

“when switch on everything working nothing”

Everything working nothing.
Clear. As. Mud.

“I can see anything wrong but i’m not expert.”

If you’re able to see anything that’s wrong you ought to go professional, that’s quite a talent.
But, going by this auction, I’d suspect you have a blind spot when it comes to literacy.

“I’m not 100% gurntee this item.”

I’m not surprised, is anyone?
How does one ‘gurntee’, anyway?
Does it involve pulling faces on a golf course, or is it more like this?

"Gurntea"

“no original box, only power adapter and doking station.”

Oh well, as long as the doking station’s included. Whatever that is.

“If you are unsure of the quality of the item from our description & photos please contact me”

It’s working, everything working nothing, you can see anything wrong, but you’re not 100% gurntee and only the power adapter and doking station are included.
Nope, that’s all pretty clear I think, don’t see why anyone would need to contact you there.

“Kept in animal and smoke free enviroment.”

Kept in a grammar and spelling-free enviroment, you mean.

View Auction

Sent in by Jay Prospero – Thanks Jay!

“I AM SELLING THIS PHONE AS FAWLTY”

Ooooh! A celebrity look-alike seller!
Who gets to be Manuel? The buyer, I assume?

“THE TRUTH IS I DONT KNOW IF IT IS AS THIS USED TO BE MY SONS PHONE.”

Nonono, it’s “I know nothing about the horse” and that was Manuel’s line anyway!
Tch. I’m going to sell you to a vivisectionist.

“SWITCH THE PHONE ON AND IT JUST SAYS INSERT SIM CARD.”

Oh well, I suppose that’s more testing than most people seem to do.

Jay also sent in a handy matching box you can put it in, thought I’m not sure the binmen would be particularly bothered, either way.

View Auction

“hi i am selling a nintendo ds lite which is broken. the top screen is seperated from bottom screen and it dosent work because of this but it would be great for spares”

Or for sharing, maybe?
Like a Twix, or tapas, maybe?

View Auction

Thanks to “Scott” who spotted this, saying “might be good but it’s a bit short”. Well, it never stopped Ronnie Corbett, did it?

{{Generic Riding-the-Zeitgeist-Shortarse picture goes here}}

“THIS NETBOOK LAPTOP IS A HEAP OF SHIT”

Interesting sales technique. Wonder if it will work?

“IT DO NOT WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The laptop or the sales technique?

“I BOUGHT THIS OFF EBAY”

As you’re now hoping someone else will. Not sure you’ve thought this through.

“OFF LIN CHAO2010″

Who, in November, you gave the following feedback for:

“great to do business with A++++++++Perfect Huge asset to ebay!”

But now say:

“ITS A CON
PAY PAL WILL NOT HELP OR REFUND
AS ITS NOT FROM UK SELLER
SELLER NO HELP WHAT SO EVER
IT SAYS UK SELLER ON LISTING !!!!!!
PAY PAL SAY NOT”

So, even if someone appears to be a UK seller, selling new goods, they can be abroad somewhere selling tat.
Maybe you should have only given them A++++++ instead of A++++++++?

“YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD”

Indeed.

So, did this technique work in selling on this broken piece of imported tat?

“Ended: 12 Dec, 2011 16:45:28 GMT
Starting bid: £30.00 [ 0 bids ] “

In the seller’s own words,

“IT DO NOT WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

View Auction

“100% of the final sale price will support Scottish Wildlife Trust”

But the Scottish wildlife will mostly be aided by getting this rubbish out of their habitat.

“The Scottish Wildlife Trust was established in 1964 with the purpose to advance the conservation of Scotland’s biodiversity for the benefit of present and future generations.”

Having said that, maybe having the chassis from old caravans laying around increases biodiversity?

“has been sitting outside for 4 years after dismantling”

See? After all that time there could be all sorts of sleekit, cowering, timorous beasties making their homes in it. And you’re looking to destroy that, hoping to make (currently) a quick £11.50.
You monsters.

“Condition – used – fair”

If that’s the case, I’d hate to see one listed as “Condition – used – poor”

“may be suitable for spares or conversion to a trailer.”

Or to scrap metal.
Oh wait, it pretty much looks like that’s been done already.

View Auction

Spotted by the folks at GamesAsylum, no doubt on one of their regular trawls of ebay, trying to find the rare consoles and games that aren’t a load of broken tat.

“I received this Game Gear from someone who I believe had this in their shed for a while. If you blow on the cartridge holder you get a lovely smell of shed mold.”

Maybe the mould’s from a shed, maybe it’s from Sonic the Hedgehog’s decomposing corpse. You decide.

“Anyway. When this does work (may take a couple of attempts),”

That’s after placing your lips against something that smells of mould, remember.

“there’s a couple of lines through it but it is just about playable if you tip it back – I’d recommend getting this to repair it though.”

Or to research bacterial germ warfare.

“The overall casing is in excellent condition, no cracks or anything.”

But may harbour enough fungi to house an entire colony of Smurfs.
Smurves.
Smurfi.
Whatever.

“No game included – the picture is just to show you how it works but I will throw in the wrist strap and an AC adapter that you can plug in downstairs and still play the thing on the loo – well, it’s not quite THAT long but close.”

A wrist strap? So you can ‘safely’ carry your bacterial cultures around with you without ‘fear’ of losing them. I say ‘safely’ and ‘fear’ like that as I’m unconvinced how safe it would actually be (I’ve seen Survivors, after all) and I think I’d be more fearful of walking around with a large lump of mould attached to my wrist.
I’ll admit the AC adapter’s fairly useful though, these things just eat batteries otherwise. Although introducing an entire smurf colony to luxury of constant electricity supply may not do your electricity bill any favours.

“Happy bidding!”

Because you’ll probably have more fun bidding on it than trying to play with it, should you win.

“P.S. The postage is to cover the cost of sending the AC adapter. You could kill someone with that thing.”

Hopefully a Smurf.

View Auction

No, Tim or ‘that woman’ didn’t break the site, I’ve been ill.
Or a bit broken, if you’d rather. Oddly, I was working fine up until I broke.
Still, the show must go on I suppose.
Players gon’ play, Haters gonna hate, as I believe the phrase goes.

“Electrical Joblot”

Otherwise known as “Big pile of possibly dangerous electrical crap”

“The majority of these items are customer returns and are not working. Some of the items are working fine but have damaged boxes.”

…and you never know, some of the items might look fine but have potentially lethal electrical faults.

“Please see the following list for details of the items plus any defects.
WORKING BUT DAMAGED
Sherwood Halogen convector oven (chip in glass bowl)”

Why didn’t you take all the chips out after cooking them?
I hate food waste!

“X-Factor lucky voice party box (scratches on mic)”

I suppose scratching on a mic’s better than autotune.
Makes a change for X-Factor.

“FAULTY
Maxim 2kw ceramic tower fan heater (not working)
1kw panel convection heater (not working)
Asda CD Boombox (read disc error)
x3 Maxim slim personal cd players (read disc error)
Futuristix CD Boombox (read disc error)
Maxim dvd player (read disc error)
Logitech S220 speaker system (faulty speaker)”

Like I said,
players not gon’ play, heaters not gonna heat.

“This joblot is ideal for someone who has some electrical repair skills.”

Because they’ll know not to touch any of it without at least earthing themselves first?

View Auction

"The seller has not uploaded any pictures. Check the item description for details."

“Voigtlander Vito B 1950s camera. Sold as seen.”

Oh, for pity’s sake.

You’d think someone selling cameras would be able to provide a sodding photo, wouldn’t you?
Unless that’s why they’re selling them?

View Auction

“Hi you are bidding on 4 pressure washers”

Damn this is getting tedious.
No, I’m not bidding – I’m looking. Not bidding.
Quite definitely not bidding.

“I recently brought 3 of eBay to repair my karcher 111 as needed a hose “

You brought 3 of ebay? Surely you mean you bought 3 of ebay? Although I dread to think how much it would cost to buy just one ebay, let alone 3 of them. That’s rather extravagant, isn’t it?

Oh, you bought 3 OFF ebay - That'd be this auction then, would it?

“but after picking up found none of the hoses fitted mine so am selling whole lot together as job lot”

£23.68. Wasted.

So now someone else can buy them, add another pressure washer to the pile and sell them for half what they paid for this lot?
It seems to be some form of reverse pyramid scheme.

“the 111 works fully no leaks just needs new hose”

Yes, works fully. Apart from the hose.

“the others are untested and are as brought of eBay”

No doubt the first one was sold by ebay themselves in order to start the ball rolling. They must have made a packet on just the listing fees alone so far, let alone paypal’s cut on top of that.

View Auction