A Bit Broken

“Manufacturer: Daihatsu
Engine Size: 10 cc
Drive Side: Right-hand drive
Reg. Date: 11 Nov 2000″

Whuh?

“* Our cars are prepared to a high standard through our own workshop
* Our aim is to sell you not only a car but a service
* All our cars are fully serviced, and MOT’d before sale by our own staff.”

No, really – Whuh?
I know precious little about cars and probably even less about keep-fit equipment, but that IS a weight-lifting-bench-thingy (Technical term, I believe) and not a car, isn’t it? I had no idea they needed MOT’s.

“More than just your local garage!”

Or less, if you’re actually looking for a car.

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“This listing is for a 7 day hire of our mannequin Elvis. He will happily grace your party or event with pride! We think he is a wonderful mannequin and a good addition to any upcoming party.”

Unless it’s an Elvis-lookalike party.

Uncanny, isn’t it? Well worth £116.35 for 7 days.

“Guaranteed show stopper!”

As everyone stops, dumbfounded, mouthing the words “Why?” and “What the…”
Possibly followed by “How much???”

“Mannequins are fragile items and should be handled with care. Take time to assemble and dress them.”

Otherwise known as foreplay.

“Wear gloves to avoid finger marks and scratches on the skin surface from rings. We provide instructions on care and assembly with our mannequins.”

Step 1. No heavy petting.

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“This Television is in PERFECT WORKING ORDER”

Really?

“apart from two faint green lines running down the left hand side of the screen”

Oh no, of course not, silly me.
Forgot where I was for a minute.
And I was fooled by the cunning technique of putting the MISLEADING DESCRIPTION IN BOLD.
Speaking of which…

“APPARENTLY THIS TV HAS A VERY GOOD CHANCE OF BEING FIXED BY RUBBING YOUR FINGER DOWN EACH OF THE TWO LINES DOWNWARDS.”

Also, you could try dancing naked round it during the summer solstice or sacrificing a goat to it.
Probably just as good a chance of fixing it that way.

“THIS IS ADVICE THAT I HAVE HAD OFF ANOTHER EBAYER SO I CANT WHOLLY PROMISE IT WILL WORK”

Oh yes, because all other sellers on ebay are well balanced and not at all a bunch of nutjobs selling any old tat under the pretence of them being “metaphysical items“.

(That last lunatic spotted by “Hels”. Thanks Hels, I think.)

“BUT IT IS AN OPTION FOR WHOEVER WINS THE BIDDING IF YOU WANT A WORKING SET, THANKS”

Ignoring the better option for those wanting a working set, of course.
Which would be to BUY A WORKING SET.

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“This item contains scratches”

Contains scratches? You’ve managed to scratch inside it?
Blimey.

“so please bear this in mind before making a bid before the auction ends.”

As opposed to the usual practice of only bidding once the auction is over.

“why not make a bid before the auction ends and possibly save some money.”

Or not bid at all and save yourself even more?

“Anything not mentioned in the description or shown in the photo is not included with the item”

Now, you’ve included this photo so I could expect all this lot be included as well, could I?

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“One small defect on the edge as shown in picture”

Oh yes, because that’s what spoils it, isn’t it?
The chip at the edge.
Not the whole design, oh no.
Because that would most likely be treasonous to suggest.
As would suggesting it would probably be an ideal plate for dieters – You’d leave more food on the plate for fear of exposing that grin underneath.
But I wouldn’t suggest that of course, as I don’t want to end up in the tower.
What a lovely plate. Shame about that damage at the edge.

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This is a “good part” for a motorbike that “work fine”. What’s broken here is the seller’s perception and spirit.

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Thanks to “deadmanjones” for this one! Maybe not technically broken, but not exactly 100% either.
More like 50/50 at best, really.

“THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST IN THIS ITEM”

Hmmm. Interest.
Is that the right word?

“THESE SHOES ARE A BARGIN”

Shoes? Don’t you mean boots?
No wait, shoes.
No. Shoe. No, Boot.
I’m confused.

“THESE SHOES/BOOTS ARE NOT AN EXACT PAIR, ONE IS A CHUKKA BOOT”

Oh well that makes perfect sense now.

“BUT WHEN WORN WITH A PAIR OF JEANS YOU CAN’T REALLY TELL AS THEY ARE SO SIMILAR”

Or, even better, you could wear them with the matching shoe (or boot) instead.
Then you really can’t tell.

“BOTH ARE BRAND NEW BUT ARE UNABLE TO FIND THE OTHER SHOES”

Oh well, so much for that plan. Seemed like a good one too.
Maybe if you just wear them in the dark?
Or only when blind people are around.
Just don’t let them touch them.

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Now, I know I said recently that I’d rather collect £3500, but this isn’t quite what I meant.
And I suspect contributor “John F” knows this, but thanks anyway John.
Not sure it counts as broken as such, but odd enough for a mention, I think.

“Limited supply, only 1500kg in total, and then it’s gone forever.”

Or it gets relisted.

“These boxes have not been checked for rare and unusual coins.”

Possibly because, as they were selling coins as scrap metal before, they probably knew they were only being sent the worthless stuff that might as well get melted down?

“Interesting and colourful variety of coins from all corners of the world.”

If you say so, although you’re sounding increasingly like an unhinged street seller, constantly preying on unsuspecting and bewildered tourists to me.

“The very best all round desirable mix. Highest quality.”

Oh yes. All the very best! All round desirable sir! You likey, yes? Highest quality sir! How about your lovely wife? She would no doubt be much impress…Sir! Where are you going? Sir?!

“Not to be compared to other collections that can include large quantities of uninteresting coins such as USA 1 Cents.”

Because, if you did compare them, you’d see a lot of similarities?
Or it doesn’t compare because it’s made up of a large amount of much more interesting USA 5 cent coins?
Or coins of even lesser value?

“Perfect for coin dealers, coin collectors, coin traders, or anyone who has an interest in coins.”

Anyone who likes coins then really.
Scrooge McDuck, maybe?

NOTE: Not actual contents of box

“Anyone wishing to purchase must first contact me to negotiate method of payment.”

Also so the seller can try to gauge exactly how unhinged the potential buyer may be and whether they could interest them in a pig in a poke as well.

John also suggested

“Somebody good at maths might figure out how many different kinds of coins there can be in a 1 ton box.
Would say “hard to bore too”, but mathheads eh.”

Anyone?

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“Blowing at back amd not secure we
Drove it home but if you are going far i would trailer”

Going far? Like to the bottom of the garden to take a photo of it?
No, you’re right, best not do that.
Far better to make do with securicam footage that makes it look like an appeal on Crimewatch.

“Asolutley no messing on this”

No messing; like taking pictures of it, for starters.
That’d count as messing, obviously.

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Honestly not quite sure what to make of this one. I mean, on the one hand it’s re-using and recycling…but on the other hand, it’s still someone trying to make making money out of rubbish.

“We recently were tasked with disposing of a number of 15″ iMac G4 computers. None of them worked, and unfortunately they were the lowest spec that was released.”

“Rather than seeing them end up in landfill we decided to use their exquisite and beautiful design and make a lovely piece for someone’s home.”

Right, so when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
And when life pays you to take broken imacs away, try to make a bit of extra money selling them as overpriced furniture.

“The Screen has been removed and replaced with a mirror.”

Ideal for people who like Apple products AND enjoy looking at themselves.
Never let it be said Apple fans aren’t image-obsessed, after all.

“The arm still moves in the same way it did when it was a working machine.”

But obviously, nothing else works. Well, that’s well worth £99.99 of anyone’s money, eh?

“The mirror itself is amazingly versatile:
* Moves Up and Down
* Moves Left and Right
* Pivoting forwards and backwards”

And also displaying anything your choose to place in front of it (light permitting).

“This is a unique piece of furniture and will make any desk or dresser complete. It is perfect as a make-up, vanity, shaving, bathroom or general household mirror.”

So, pretty much anywhere you might want to use a mirror then, though I notice they stopped short of ‘ideal to snort coke off’.
And it’s probably best not used as a car’s rear-view mirror.

I think my main problem with this is that if you had a mac that broke and you made this out of it, fair enough.
But anyone paying good money for it? They’re sadly going to be lumbered with an imac that pretty much only ever displays a gullible, vanity-obsessed fool with too much money.
No change from the usual Apple userbase there then, I suppose.

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