A Bit Broken

“Multiple keys missing”

Wonder how that happened?

“keyboard badly bent.”

Oh. That would probably do it.

“Keyboard is sold as untested and is not guaranteed to work”

Guaranteed to not even be able to spell “work”.
Maybe “ork”, if you’re lucky.

“can be used for key replacments”

Or for Scrabble spares.

“Item is for Spares/Repairs, possible liquid damage present”

Oh, just for good measure.

“Please note pictures are for reference only and may not be the exact item you receive, however the item will be exactly as described.”

So, it might actually have a W key.
But may be missing a multitude of others you might want.
Still, if you’re desperate for those 4 points, maybe an upside M key would suffice?
If that’s included.

“Warranty does not cover goods lost or damage in transit if the item has been lost or damaged in the post”

How would you tell?

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“hi i am selling a nintendo ds lite which is broken. the top screen is seperated from bottom screen and it dosent work because of this but it would be great for spares”

Or for sharing, maybe?
Like a Twix, or tapas, maybe?

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The advertising:

“the iPhone 4 is thin as a rake but the front and back are 30 times stronger than the usual plastic. Reason – aluminosilicate glass, the stuff that windshields of military choppers are made of.”

The reality:

“1x iphone 4 16 gig in nice cosmetic condition. this item was dropped in the sink in water removed within seconds but damage was done”

So, if you ever find you need to quickly disable a military chopper*, quickly dunk it in a bowl of water.

“i cannot check iemi, the sim holder is missing.”

Are the sim holders soluble then? Seems an odd design feature.

And as for the iPad;

“1X IPAD 2,16 GIG WI.FI 3G please study pictures of this item, it was dropped face down and front is a mess. touch is smashed.screen is smashed,”

So. It’s all smashed then?

“back is not damaged in anyway”

Oh, that’s ok then. Obviously they make the backs of ipads out of military chopper windshields, but not the fronts.
Cheapskates.

“power button is intact,when powered on item is on for approx 10 seconds then powers of,then on again and process is repeated.”

If it could display “Just let me die”, it would.

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*not a euphemism

“100% of the final sale price will support Scottish Wildlife Trust”

But the Scottish wildlife will mostly be aided by getting this rubbish out of their habitat.

“The Scottish Wildlife Trust was established in 1964 with the purpose to advance the conservation of Scotland’s biodiversity for the benefit of present and future generations.”

Having said that, maybe having the chassis from old caravans laying around increases biodiversity?

“has been sitting outside for 4 years after dismantling”

See? After all that time there could be all sorts of sleekit, cowering, timorous beasties making their homes in it. And you’re looking to destroy that, hoping to make (currently) a quick £11.50.
You monsters.

“Condition – used – fair”

If that’s the case, I’d hate to see one listed as “Condition – used – poor”

“may be suitable for spares or conversion to a trailer.”

Or to scrap metal.
Oh wait, it pretty much looks like that’s been done already.

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Might want to get yourself a cup of tea before you start reading this one.
A fairly big cup.

“Hiya! Ive been allowed to write another car advert for my boyfriend! Not sure why seeing as he moaned so much after he only made £1.00 profit from the last advert I did! Hey ho – I shant argue. lets begin… “

Well, a profit’s a profit I suppose, can’t complain about that.
Unless he spent all that profit on this ‘car’.
Think any complaints are justified then.

“I am really not sure where to start with this ‘car’ it is a million times worse than the green rover, I am actually quite disturbed by this vehicle and you will have to bare with me whilst I discribe it. Maybe a rat has died in this? I actually vomited in my mouth when I stuck my head inside, it smells of death and I am pretty sure that I have contracted gonohhrea by entering inside it. I have subsequently dowsed myself in bleach and am partially blind. The boyfriend has told me I should say good things about it if we want it to sell so I will try to think of something that I like about it & get back to you on that.”

Well, it’s up to £250 so far so she must have found something…
I dread to think what he’ll buy next.

“I went to the trouble of taking photos, I will talk you through these in a bit. From my last advert I learnt that people enjoy learning things about the year it was born – thats 1971 apparently so heres some factoids for you -

• Walt Disney World in Florida opened (I bet it was well boring, they must of only had 3 stuffed charactors walking about then).
• Margaret Thatcher stopped everyone having free milk. She sounds a bit mean to me.
• Rod Stewart had a hit with Maggie May – I wonder if it was about Ms Thatcher? I heard that Rod later found his long lost twin Peter Stringfellow and they lived in leopard print thongs happilly ever after.

 

Ive not really found anything else that interests me about 1971 but I could of missed something – I only googled it for 5 mins.”

Top-notch research.

“I think its important that I make it clear this car only has 3 wheels YES THATS RIGHT – THREE WHEELS, it wasnt born with 4 and lost one on the way to Tipporary – it only ever had three. I am confused about this to be honest.”

Oh well, can’t spell but can count. That’s something at least.

“Also my boyfriend says its a K reg but if you look at the number plate it begins with C so its either K or C but its not registered with the dog people. He says its tax exempt – I think it should be exempt from existence but I am not yet queen of the world to authorise this.”

Well, if she’s really that dim she could be ideally suited for a life in the monarchy.

“So heres the photo information -

1. This is me being thoroughly disgusted by the car. You also cannot get into the car through the driver side as it doesnt open & there isnt a key. You could get through the driver window that is open I suppose.”

Or not get in. Yeah, think I’ll go with that option.

“2. This is the front of the ‘car’ it shows the confusing number plate and you can read it normally or backwards to get your choice of reg. This also shows the front wheel which I would discribe as flat, its also the only front wheel – remember that I told you it only has 3 wheels?”

“3. This is underneath the car, boyfriend says its got a good chassis and people may want it for that – I wasnt getting on my knees to take photo’s of underneath so this is all you will get from me – BF may post one later if you want.”

“4.This is the driver side wheel (one of the 3) and this photo is mainly so you can try to decide for yourself what on earth the colour is. BF says it was blue originally but some bodgit & scarperer has painted it with emulsion paint (several times) and I can only discribe it as shabby chic – which we all know is bang on trend right now, its just unfortunate that the car seems to have escaped from a Tim Burton movie.”

“5. This is part of the boot rim, the only reason Im showing you this is because I found a woodlouse on it – Ive named him Simon, hes a bit of a loner and isnt really ito commitment so I cant guarantee that he will be there when & if this car sells. I wouldnt normally call a woodlouse a woodlouse – Ive always called them grumphers but not everyone would understand my terminology so Ive called it a woodlouse to avoid confusion. Youre welcome.”

“6. This is my arty shot of the one & only wing mirror (they cut alot of corners making this car as far as Im concerned) it also doesnt have a mirror on it but dont worry – you can buy a stick on one from Carmart, Ive done it loads of times and before anyone has noticed that Ive broken it.”

You'll probably be needing a break and the chance to top up your tea about now, yes?

(more…)

“I HAVE THIS TV WHICH I BOUGHT JUST OVER A YEAR AGO I STILL HAVE THE RECIEPT MANUALS AND EVERTHING FOR THE TV.”

Just over a year ago? Warranty’s run out already?
I’m sure you could still get it checked out, couldn’t you? There’s probably still the manufacturer’s warranty isn’t there?

“THE REASON FOR THIS SALE IS BECAUSE JUST THE OTHER DAY I HAD RED N GREEN LINES APPEARING ON THE SCREEN, AND CANNOT BE BOTHERD GETTING IT CHECKED OUT OR REPAIRED”

I have to say, that’s an impressive level of apathy, even by my standards.
And yet you can be bothered to do an ebay auction.
But can’t be bothered to spell ‘bothered’ correctly.

“MAY BE A SIMPLE FIX, YOU CAN TAKE A LOOK ON THE PICTURES TO SEE WHAT I MEAN.”

Have you tried percussive maintenance (i.e. giving it a thump)? That always used to work on old TV sets.
No, not on the screen, and certainly not with a wii controller.
Of course, that would most likely involve having to get up off your arse to try, so I can see why you might not bother.

“THIS TV COST ME ALOT OF MONEY AND STILL COSTS ALOT OF MONEY IF YOU TAKE A LOOK ON PRICERUNNER OR ANY OTHER WEBSITES.”

And yet you still can’t be bothered to even try getting it fixed.
You realise you’ll have to get up to post it if it sells? Oh wait, collection only.
Are you expecting people to come into your living room to disconnect it too?

“IT IS ONE OF THE TOP OF THE RANGE LCD TVS MADE BY SONY.”

Yeah, well, not like that it isn’t.

“CONTACT ME FOR MORE INFO AND I WILL BE HAPPY TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS”

Any questions?
If the Earth is round, why are tables flat?
What colour is a mirror?
How do you pronounce the word ‘ghoti’?

“THE WINNER WILL HAVE TO PICK UP THE TELEVISION “

Or the binmen.

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“I WAS HOPING TO RESTORE IT AND ENJOY HOWEVER THE WIFE HAS OTHER VIEWS.”

She doesn’t want you to restore it or doesn’t want you to enjoy?

“ALL MOVING PARTS HAVE BEEN FREE’D UP SO SHE MOVES PERFECTLY.”

The caravan or your wife?

“MY DEAR WIFE AND LOVE OF MY LIFE IS NOT HAPPY WITH IT AND SAIS IF I DONT GET RID OF THE VAN I WILL END UP SLEEPING IN IT!”"

Sarcastic flattery. The man’s treading a dangerous path.

“SHE IS DRY AND DOES NOT LEAK.”

Again, the caravan or your wife?

“SHE TOWS PERFECTLY AS I BOUGHT HER HOME ON THE BACK OF A 4X4 FOR OVER 30 MILES WITH NO ISSUES”

She was fine until you got her home, but then she then started banging on about not liking the caravan.

“I WILL BE SORRY TO SEE HER GO BUT ITS COLD THIS TIME OF YEAR AND DO NOT FANCY SPENDING THE WINTER IN HER…

The caravan or….no, that one’s a bit too disturbing an image.

“SHE NEEDS A FEW HOURS TLC”

Well, that’s women for you, eh?

“PS CHECK WITH THE WIFE BEFORE BIDDING!…”

Sadly, he’s not given her contact details so how we’re supposed to check with her, heaven only knows.

“i have just turned an offer of £600 down as this watcher wanted to do a caravan/banger event at arena essex. id rather give her away for nothing to someone who will return the van to its former glory.. “

Not sure that’s the best sales tactic in the world, if I’m honest.

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“This is a Polaroid plasma tv- NOT WORKING, for parts.”

Is it worth shaking it to help the picture develop?

“I think it’s 44 inches, very large screen “

Too large for a ruler or tape measure, obviously.

“which unfortunately is smashed.”

Ah, maybe the seller DID try shaking it.

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Conflicted feelings today: Happy because we have a submission from “Ian” (Thanks Ian!), but sad because it’s brought this sad state of affairs to our attention.
Won’t somebody please stop this cruel trade in cage-fighting laptops?

“WE ARE OFFERING A CAGE OF 100 LAPTOPS”

No thanks, I’ll stick with free-range ones.

“WE RECEIVE APPROXIMATELY 200 UNITS PER DAY READY FOR SALE.”

By “Ready for sale”, I assume you mean “Ready for the bin”?
Or they’re ready for sale before you put them in cages to fight it out, then sell what’s left afterwards?

“DAMAGE VARIES ON UNITS. SOME POWER UP, OTHERS HAVE BROKEN SCREENS, A FEW MAY HAVE LIQUID DAMAGE.”

And some have had fluorescent tubes or folding chairs smashed over them?
That’s a few different categories ticked then.

“THERE IS NO GUARANTEE AS TO WHAT YOU MAY RECEIVE.”

Oh, I think you’ll find there is.
Guaranteed tat.

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“We have tested this unit and can confirm that the dvd player is not working.”

And?

“All other functions are in working order.”

So the screen’s meant to look like that, is it?

“The casing and screen are in good cosmetic condition with only minor cosmetic marks. Please see photos for details.”

That’s good cosmetic condition, apparently.
(Is that sellotape on the side of it?)

“Original RRP – £200″

And yet, somehow, it now doesn’t seem to be worth even a tenth of that price.
Strange, that.

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