A Bit Broken

“Twin sunroofs are in perfect working order”

Have the ejector seats been deployed?

“It would be great for a new driver as it’s cheap to run and insurance is very cheap.”

At least until the insurance company find you’ve been driving like this, obviously.

“Only covered 70870 miles.”

But how much of that was covered on the ground and how much whilst airborne?

“The car is in very it’s great for its 17 years old.”

Okay…gave up halfway through and decided to go with ‘good for its age’, huh?

“Starts first time every time.
TAX – 6 months TAX.
MOT – 12 months MOT.
Interior of the car is like new.
The car has all its original sets of keys.
The car drives very well, has a 5 speed gearbox.
Rear seat belts fitted.
Nearly new tyres.
New battery fitted.
New belts.
New set of clutch
New clutch cable.
NEW SPARK PLUGS
NEW HIGH TENSION LEADS
NEW AIR FILTER
NEW OIL AND OIL FILTER.
All brake pads and shoes are changed, also all brake fluid system is nearly new.
No power steering.”

Now, was that before or after that picture was taken?

“These cars are getting very rare now in this condition and mileage.”

Is it any wonder?

“Viewing is very welcome before end of auction. “

Just look up.
You may need to duck a bit.

“No rust at the bottom of any of its doors.
Front and rear arches and sealls with NO rust and NO bubbles.”

Those brown marks on the front wing and passenger door must be something else then.

“I am only selling it because I have too many cars, including five Pandas.”

I think many people would say owning one panda is too many, I suspect five is the sign of an unhinged mind.

“Cash on collection.”

And no laughing.

“Make your best offer for this CAR.”

Yes. CAR.
Not PLANE.

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“I am selling my Samsung HD 26″ TV for Spares or Repairs.”

Trying to sell, you mean.
Oh wait, 4 bids already.
Give me strength.

“The TV is damaged and wont work.”

Did they not read that bit? Or at least see the picture?

“The screen had a collision with an xbox controller during a moment of madness and is now in need of repair, damage can be seen via the photos.”

I suppose it was only a matter of time once Microsoft released Kinect to try and steal some of the wii’s thunder.
And now 4 other people are obviously having a moment of madness themselves.

“Everything else with the TV is fine,”

Everything apart from the screen.
You know, the main thing you use a TV for?

“this was in brilliant working condition.”

Note, in particular, the past tense used there.

“I have had the TV for over 4 years.”

That’s nice. Wonder how long the xbox was in the house?

“I know the TV has 2 x HDMI, 2 x Scart, Digital input/output and built in freeview. See photo of back of TV. “

Well, yes, that's definitely the back. Not sure how that helps matters though.

“I am not to sure on any other specifications or the model.”

I wouldn’t worry about; I think “Buggered screen” pretty much covers it regarding the important specifications.

“I dont hold the instruction manual either.”

Like you didn’t hold the Xbox controller?

“If you wish to pay via cash or paypal then either is fine.”

How about magic beans? It is Panto season after all.

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Might want to get yourself a cup of tea before you start reading this one.
A fairly big cup.

“Hiya! Ive been allowed to write another car advert for my boyfriend! Not sure why seeing as he moaned so much after he only made £1.00 profit from the last advert I did! Hey ho – I shant argue. lets begin… “

Well, a profit’s a profit I suppose, can’t complain about that.
Unless he spent all that profit on this ‘car’.
Think any complaints are justified then.

“I am really not sure where to start with this ‘car’ it is a million times worse than the green rover, I am actually quite disturbed by this vehicle and you will have to bare with me whilst I discribe it. Maybe a rat has died in this? I actually vomited in my mouth when I stuck my head inside, it smells of death and I am pretty sure that I have contracted gonohhrea by entering inside it. I have subsequently dowsed myself in bleach and am partially blind. The boyfriend has told me I should say good things about it if we want it to sell so I will try to think of something that I like about it & get back to you on that.”

Well, it’s up to £250 so far so she must have found something…
I dread to think what he’ll buy next.

“I went to the trouble of taking photos, I will talk you through these in a bit. From my last advert I learnt that people enjoy learning things about the year it was born – thats 1971 apparently so heres some factoids for you -

• Walt Disney World in Florida opened (I bet it was well boring, they must of only had 3 stuffed charactors walking about then).
• Margaret Thatcher stopped everyone having free milk. She sounds a bit mean to me.
• Rod Stewart had a hit with Maggie May – I wonder if it was about Ms Thatcher? I heard that Rod later found his long lost twin Peter Stringfellow and they lived in leopard print thongs happilly ever after.

 

Ive not really found anything else that interests me about 1971 but I could of missed something – I only googled it for 5 mins.”

Top-notch research.

“I think its important that I make it clear this car only has 3 wheels YES THATS RIGHT – THREE WHEELS, it wasnt born with 4 and lost one on the way to Tipporary – it only ever had three. I am confused about this to be honest.”

Oh well, can’t spell but can count. That’s something at least.

“Also my boyfriend says its a K reg but if you look at the number plate it begins with C so its either K or C but its not registered with the dog people. He says its tax exempt – I think it should be exempt from existence but I am not yet queen of the world to authorise this.”

Well, if she’s really that dim she could be ideally suited for a life in the monarchy.

“So heres the photo information -

1. This is me being thoroughly disgusted by the car. You also cannot get into the car through the driver side as it doesnt open & there isnt a key. You could get through the driver window that is open I suppose.”

Or not get in. Yeah, think I’ll go with that option.

“2. This is the front of the ‘car’ it shows the confusing number plate and you can read it normally or backwards to get your choice of reg. This also shows the front wheel which I would discribe as flat, its also the only front wheel – remember that I told you it only has 3 wheels?”

“3. This is underneath the car, boyfriend says its got a good chassis and people may want it for that – I wasnt getting on my knees to take photo’s of underneath so this is all you will get from me – BF may post one later if you want.”

“4.This is the driver side wheel (one of the 3) and this photo is mainly so you can try to decide for yourself what on earth the colour is. BF says it was blue originally but some bodgit & scarperer has painted it with emulsion paint (several times) and I can only discribe it as shabby chic – which we all know is bang on trend right now, its just unfortunate that the car seems to have escaped from a Tim Burton movie.”

“5. This is part of the boot rim, the only reason Im showing you this is because I found a woodlouse on it – Ive named him Simon, hes a bit of a loner and isnt really ito commitment so I cant guarantee that he will be there when & if this car sells. I wouldnt normally call a woodlouse a woodlouse – Ive always called them grumphers but not everyone would understand my terminology so Ive called it a woodlouse to avoid confusion. Youre welcome.”

“6. This is my arty shot of the one & only wing mirror (they cut alot of corners making this car as far as Im concerned) it also doesnt have a mirror on it but dont worry – you can buy a stick on one from Carmart, Ive done it loads of times and before anyone has noticed that Ive broken it.”

You'll probably be needing a break and the chance to top up your tea about now, yes?

(more…)

Ok, bit of a break from the norm today, partly because I just found it amusing but also because I just really can’t be bothered trawling through all the tat today.
No-one’s sent anything in for ages, what are you lot all up to, eh?

Ok, so it’s not actually broken, but that may because it is:

“Built to the highest quality using military and aviation spec components”

and

“(the red buttons in the keyboard are the ones designed and used in the B52 military aircraft!)”

Somewhere, there is a B-52 pilot wondering where half his cockpit has gone.

“Prior to my owning this system, it was owned by a world (very) famous musician/composer”

Mozart?
Beethoven?
Timmy Mallett?

“I guarantee that you will have heard many of the tracks it was used on, and quite probably you have heard it performing in a movie at some stage.”

Deaf people, prepare your complaints now.

“Included in the price is every music sound library made for Synclavier, by Synclavier.
(They cost 2,000 dollars EACH to buy new)

It also comes with the recent MegaMusic library for Synclavier included at no extra cost. (It cost £2,400 to buy new.)
This contains almost 17,000 musical instruments and unique sounds created on the Synclavier for the Synclavier.”

“When it was new the system cost 200,000 dollars. Yes, you did read that right. Two hundred big ones.”

See? There’s the “Significant discount” category ticked already. Stop complaining.

“You will be joining the most exclusive instrumental club in the world.”

Unless anyone wants to buy a kazoo from me for £30,000?

So, why sell something worth so much for such a (comparatively) low price?

“The Sob Story

Sadly for the Synclavier, my wife produced another child a few months back,
and while this is lovely it does mean that space is now diminishing by the day.

Please buy my Synclavier. My kids are eating me out of house and home.
(and what the hell do they do with all that toilet paper? We are always running out and it is costing me a fortune”

“I am happy to consider any sensible cash offers for a quick sale.”

For the kids or the Synclavier?
Wonder if he’ll accept payment in toilet rolls instead?

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“My baby has smashed it with bottle of milk LOL”

Well, that’s a first.
I wonder what “Milk LOL” is?

“You can still watch it but you have to accept “the rainbow” in the middle of the screen”

Because that’s not in the least bit intrusive, is it?
Still, better than that B&O one we had the other day I suppose.

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“Used for 6 Month’s”
“This Tv is for Reapir’s”

{sigh}

“My Son Threw a mug at the screen and now as you can see in the pictures there are Red and Green Lines coming up”

Well if it was on that channel it’s pretty much understandable.

“Item specifics
Condition: Used: An item that has been previously used. The item may have some signs of cosmetic wear, but is fully operational and functions as intended.”

Fully operational? Functions as intended?
Y’know, just because it was broken by a mug, doesn’t mean you should try selling it to a mug.

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“I,M SELLING THIS AS MY DAUGHTER SMASHED IT WITH A WEE CONTROLER”

Just as well it was a wee controller, I dread to imagine the damage she could cause with a large one.
Oh well, there’s always the wiiu to look forward to for that, I suppose.

What kind of damage is one of these going to cause?

“SO I,M SELLING THIS AS SPARE,S OR REPAIR”

In order to cover the cost of re-fitting that apostrophe that fell down between the I and the M? (and to clear away that other errant one you dropped in the word “spares”).
Or are they actually commas you put there on purpose?

“THIS TV STILL WORKS”

Hmmmm. It doesn’t really though, does it?

“BUT THE SCREEN IS BROKEN”

No. It doesn’t.
You’re not fooling me with your clever ALL CAPS statements.
Your name’s “kevin-lucky“, not Derren Brown.
I’m confused as to why someone would call themselves Kevin “Lucky” when they have two more broken TV sets they’re trying to sell. Plus two other working sets, one of which looks like it may have been made, frankenstein-style, with bits from the two broken sets, going by his previous purchases/feedback.
Kevin-dodgy, Kevin-cluttered-house or Kevin-Voided-Warranty-And-Invalidated-Household-Insurance-Policy would possibly be more accurate.

“THE TV IS NOT THAT OLD”

As it was most likely only recently assembled by Kevin from bits and pieces he probably ‘found’, like a modern-day Burke and Hare.

“…THANKS FOR LOOKING …”

Not that it makes the slightest jot of difference to the TV.
Look at the screen/don’t look at the screen – You’ll get the same viewing experience either way.

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“The ONLY fault with this item is the home button does not respond”

Oh well, that’s not too bad I suppose.

“and is slightly depressed.”

Oh. That could be trickier to deal with.
Anyone know of psychiatrist that deals with apple hardware?

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Another one courtesy of “Hels”, who admits freely that she

“Might be getting a little obsessed…
Found another non broken but stupid one:
Byee, Hels x”

Yes, it may not technically be broken, but it’s not exactly right either.

“Found in a pack of normal cheese and onion Hula Hoops on a sunny day in Stratford Upon Avon.”

It’s the little background details in an auction that really help paint a picture, isn’t it?
I wonder if Stratford-upon-Avon Tourist board would be interested in using this giant crisp as a potential draw for tourists?
Would make a change from their usual schtick anyway and let’s face it, this sort of thing is “Such stuff as dreams are made on“.
Especially if eaten just before bedtime, anyway.

“Crisps dimensions are approx 3 times the size of a standard Hula Hoop.”

Obviously we’ll just have to take their word for that, seeing as they haven’t supplied anything else in the photo you can use to judge the scale.

“Golden in colour, Cheesy/oniony aroma.”

Thank god it’s just a fried potato snack we’re talking about here.

“Crisp has not been touched by the seller, it has been treated with kit gloves since discovery this lunchtime.”

Kit gloves? Did they assemble them themselves?

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Oh god, this is even worse than the last time we had a mattress on here.

“As you can see from the pictures this bed is in well used condition and has a lot ‘staining’ on the matress which gives the mattress a ‘dirty’ look.”

That’s ‘staining’ and ‘dirty’ with ‘fingerquotes’, obviously.
So, it’s not really stained or dirty, is it?

“I try to be as honest as i can when listing items. These stains are from wear over the years.”

Oh. I guess it is.

“There is NO BLOOD, OR URINE STAINS, just from usuall wear.”

Oh. ‘Usual wear’.
Those stains, then.
Never before has the reassurance of the lack of blood or urine been so disturbing.

“The divan its self is a litte ‘grubby’ from again daily use.”

There’s those little marks either side of the disturbing word in the sentence again.
Also, “daily use”? You mucky bugger.

“It also has alot of plucking from my cat who thought it was her strach post!”

That is definitely “plucking”, isn’t it?
Only I notice it’s not in quotes and just want to be sure.

“The drawers are all good quality, and fairly deep to store bed linen/clohes all draws are on runners.”

I dread to think of the state of the stored bedlinen/clohes if the ‘staining’ from ‘usual wear’ and ‘daily use’ seeped through.

“Due to size you will need a van to collect item”

And an industrial incinerator capable of rendering safe a potential biohazard threat.

Still, at least they didn’t say they
“SPILT A VERY SMALL AMOUNT OF MY POP ON IT”.
Unless, in their own way, they did?
Is this is a third possible meaning for that phrase that no-one picked up on?

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