Sent in by Jay Prospero – Thanks Jay!
“I AM SELLING THIS PHONE AS FAWLTY”
Ooooh! A celebrity look-alike seller!
Who gets to be Manuel? The buyer, I assume?
“THE TRUTH IS I DONT KNOW IF IT IS AS THIS USED TO BE MY SONS PHONE.”
Nonono, it’s “I know nothing about the horse” and that was Manuel’s line anyway!
Tch. I’m going to sell you to a vivisectionist.
“SWITCH THE PHONE ON AND IT JUST SAYS INSERT SIM CARD.”
Oh well, I suppose that’s more testing than most people seem to do.
Jay also sent in a handy matching box you can put it in, thought I’m not sure the binmen would be particularly bothered, either way.
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“ACTION FIGURE
CAN’T REMEMBER WHO HE IS”
Can anyone help this poor action figure remember who he is?
Captain Amnesia?
Blackout?
The Yellow Icicle?
“IF THIS ITEM IS PAID BY TUESDAY 20TH DECEMBER, I WILL TRY TO POST IT ON WEDNESDAY 21ST DECEMBER”
Try to post it.
Not the most comforting of assurances, that.
I can just picture Christmas morning now.
“I bought you a second-hand amnesiac action figure from ebay, but it hasn’t arrived yet. Happy Christmas.”
Although, maybe that could be better than actually receiving The Mighty Skirting-Board Man for Christmas?
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“I WAS HOPING TO RESTORE IT AND ENJOY HOWEVER THE WIFE HAS OTHER VIEWS.”
She doesn’t want you to restore it or doesn’t want you to enjoy?
“ALL MOVING PARTS HAVE BEEN FREE’D UP SO SHE MOVES PERFECTLY.”
The caravan or your wife?
“MY DEAR WIFE AND LOVE OF MY LIFE IS NOT HAPPY WITH IT AND SAIS IF I DONT GET RID OF THE VAN I WILL END UP SLEEPING IN IT!”"
Sarcastic flattery. The man’s treading a dangerous path.
“SHE IS DRY AND DOES NOT LEAK.”
Again, the caravan or your wife?
“SHE TOWS PERFECTLY AS I BOUGHT HER HOME ON THE BACK OF A 4X4 FOR OVER 30 MILES WITH NO ISSUES”
She was fine until you got her home, but then she then started banging on about not liking the caravan.
“I WILL BE SORRY TO SEE HER GO BUT ITS COLD THIS TIME OF YEAR AND DO NOT FANCY SPENDING THE WINTER IN HER…
The caravan or….no, that one’s a bit too disturbing an image.
“SHE NEEDS A FEW HOURS TLC”
Well, that’s women for you, eh?
“PS CHECK WITH THE WIFE BEFORE BIDDING!…”
Sadly, he’s not given her contact details so how we’re supposed to check with her, heaven only knows.
“i have just turned an offer of £600 down as this watcher wanted to do a caravan/banger event at arena essex. id rather give her away for nothing to someone who will return the van to its former glory.. “
Not sure that’s the best sales tactic in the world, if I’m honest.
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“IT HAS WORKED PERFECT FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS”
So, if you can travel back in time you should be able to get 5 years perfect use out of it before it packs up.
“BUT NOW SEAMS TO HAVE A FAULT”
Well, it wouldn’t be here otherwise, would it?
“THE TV SWITCHES ON BUT THE LIGHTS AT THE FRONT JUST KEEP FLASHING ON+OFF”
Suitable for discos and parties then?
“I HAVE BEEN TOLD IT IS THE PROJCTORY BULB COSTS ABOUT £69 “
What the hell is a projctory bulb?
“SO THATS WHY I AM SELLING AS SPARES/REPAIR”
Rather than buying one of these mysterious ‘projctory bulbs’ and getting it fixed?
If you wouldn’t recommend doing that yourself, why would you think anyoine else should try it?
“I DO HAVE THE STAND FOR THIS TV SELLING IN MY OTHER ITEMS”
Other items which include:
Must’ve been a hell of a wedding.
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“One of the hands has the fingers missing”
Where did these come from? The Action Man leper colony playset?
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“About 2 weeks ago I went out on my mates stag do and decided to come home early.”
Lightweight.
“I caught the last train home. While sitting there I noticed this phone on the opposite chair. I asked the 2 ladys and the old feller if they had lost the phone but no one owned up. No conductor came around so I brought it home with me.”
Now, I’m assuming he’s talking about the phone there and not ‘the old feller’.
“I thought about taking it to the police station”
As you would.
Or maybe that’s just me.
“but I found this phone 20 plus miles from my local station so I know there was no possible chance on any one claiming it back.”
Looks like it is just me.
Got to see his point though, it’s not like police stations share their information with each other is it?
And there’s certainly no chance of anyone claiming it back if you don’t even report it to them.
“If you believe this could be your phone then please contact me so I can return it to you.”
Spread the word.
Pass it on, like it on Facebook, retweet it on Twitter, do whatever boring management thing you do on Linkedin, just spread the word and see if anyone who may have been on a train approximately 2 weeks ago, near Pentre, Rhondda Cynon Taff, South Wales may recognize it.
“If the silicone case can be identified correctly (colour/design pattern/make) the location (between what south Wales train stations) you lost and if you can tell me the photo on the screen saver (car make model colour/ children/partner/celebrity male or female?? Pets/cat/or dog/hamster/snake ect what breed or colour. And what sticker was stuck to the back!!! (only myself and owner knows)”
Better be quick though.
“Ok so now I’m going to sell this as spares or repairs.”
Obviously, if you’ve lost your phone, the first thing you should do isn’t to contact the police or any places where you think you may have lost it, but instead to go straight to ebay to see if anyone’s advertising there that they’ve found it (before they sell it).
“And donate the money.”
Oh well that’s ok then, isn’t it?
“On the screen it’s saying iPhone locked please connect to iTunes.
I’m sure it’s a easy job. (for someone with computer knowledge)”
Or criminal knowledge.
“No charger but phone will arrive with 100% battery. Chargers can be bought on eBay for less than a tenner”
Possibly sold by people who lost their phone and have no need of the charger any more?
“I’m a honest person and if I could access the phone book I would of rung owner to arrange to give it back.”
I’m assuming the owner never tried ringing their lost phone or, at least, the seller never answered it
“Spares or repair. You can have the case it come in to if you like.”
I might be interested in the case but can you describe it?
I mean, what colour/design pattern/make is it for starters?
Worth a try, I suppose.
“All the best and good day to you.”
Still, at least he’s polite.
Maybe he’s Raffles, the gentleman thief?
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“BTC Drop Zero Pendant Ceiling Light DAMAGED NR”
I think someone took the “Drop” part of the title a little too literally, didn’t they?
“The ceiling rose is completely smashed and in pieces and the pendant shade has a large hole in it.”
Oh well, I suppose if you’re handy with the superglue it’s an option, isn’t it?
Might give it an interesting crackled effect.
“Please note that although there are loose smashed pieces included we cannot guarantee that there are not missing pieces.”
Okay, crackled and full of holes, then.
“Please note NO other parts or accessories are included.”
Not even anything to fill in the holes?
“Please see photos for details of everything that is included. A stock image has been used to show the item in its entirety.”
Which is the stock image? They all look broken…
“Original RRP – £130″
New price – 99p + £5 p&p
You may think that delivery cost is a bit excessive, given the price of the product, but that probably includes a lot of careful packaging to ensure it doesn’t get brok…oh.
Oh yeah. I forgot.
“Created in-house by designer Peter Bowles, BTC lights blend materials from bone china and satin chromes to natural cotton and aluminium. The relaxed, “unprocessed” style will sit comfortably in most settings.”
And this new “processed style” will sit quite comfortably in your local tip.
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“I,M SELLING THIS AS MY DAUGHTER SMASHED IT WITH A WEE CONTROLER”
Just as well it was a wee controller, I dread to imagine the damage she could cause with a large one.
Oh well, there’s always the wiiu to look forward to for that, I suppose.
What kind of damage is one of these going to cause?
“SO I,M SELLING THIS AS SPARE,S OR REPAIR”
In order to cover the cost of re-fitting that apostrophe that fell down between the I and the M? (and to clear away that other errant one you dropped in the word “spares”).
Or are they actually commas you put there on purpose?
“THIS TV STILL WORKS”
Hmmmm. It doesn’t really though, does it?
“BUT THE SCREEN IS BROKEN”
No. It doesn’t.
You’re not fooling me with your clever ALL CAPS statements.
Your name’s “kevin-lucky“, not Derren Brown.
I’m confused as to why someone would call themselves Kevin “Lucky” when they have two more broken TV sets they’re trying to sell. Plus two other working sets, one of which looks like it may have been made, frankenstein-style, with bits from the two broken sets, going by his previous purchases/feedback.
Kevin-dodgy, Kevin-cluttered-house or Kevin-Voided-Warranty-And-Invalidated-Household-Insurance-Policy would possibly be more accurate.
“THE TV IS NOT THAT OLD”
As it was most likely only recently assembled by Kevin from bits and pieces he probably ‘found’, like a modern-day Burke and Hare.
“…THANKS FOR LOOKING …”
Not that it makes the slightest jot of difference to the TV.
Look at the screen/don’t look at the screen – You’ll get the same viewing experience either way.
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Submitted by “Ric” – Thanks Ric!
“Up for auction is a nonfunctional HP TouchPad Wi-Fi 32GB for parts or repair only.”
“Nonfunctional”? Well, that’s one way of putting it.
An alternative description could be:
“Fully functional HP-branded fingerprint remover”.
Or, in Ric’s own words:
“smashed to f……g smithereens”
“The display is badly damaged; use caution when handling the cracked screen.”
Yes, there’s nothing like wearing thick leather gloves to protect your fingertips from shards of glass to improve the user experience, is there?
Still, preferable to slowly (not to say agonizingly) losing your fingerprints and smearing blood all over the screen, I suppose.
“Note that this item is being sold as-is, with no guarantee of working parts inside.”
No guarantee…but then:
“On Sep-06-11 at 19:25:41 PDT, seller added the following information:
The tablet actually WORKS!”
Even the seller seems surprised.
“It takes a longer hold of the power button than I was expecting, but the device turns on and appears to function normally. Please revise your bid accordingly!”
Yes, feel free to revise your bids when you realise you may have bid up to $167.51 for a broken piece of tat that allegedly worked, prior to its screen being shattered.
But hey, it supposedly worked one more time after that.
When the seller felt the bids hadn’t gone high enough for their liking, a cynical person might say.
And may work again, as long as you hold the power button longer than you would expect.
So yes,
“revise your bid accordingly”
But not forgetting the earlier line
“being sold as-is, with no guarantee”
or the key word from their very first line:
“nonfunctional”
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Another contribution from “John F” – Thanks John!
“It has been run over and the screen is shattered.
The back is severely bent out of shape.”
I think it’ll take more than a few trips to the chiropractor to fix that.
“The iPod does work when you plug it into iTunes(pictured below). “
I have to say, that’s quite impressive.
Going by previous examples, a few drops of water are all it usually takes to completely knacker one of these.
Obviously made of tougher stuff than usual.
Just not as tough as a car.
“A few changes and you will have a deal on a 32Gb iPod Touch. “
That would be changes to the laws of physics and/or time, yes?
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GigerPunk • 
10:45 am • 
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